2012 - Sony Pictures

Why DON'T I want to see 2012?

Because its crap…and because Adam Lambert sang the theme song. I don't have anything against him as a person (a very gay person) or against his voice. I think he has a great voice, and deserves most of the credit he receives. However, sooner or later, he's got to stop singing every set of crappy cliche lyrics that come across his desk, and raise his standards. With a voice as good as his, he should only sing the lyrics that deserve a voice like his. The theme song for the motion picture (I won't dignify it as a movie) 2012, was so painfully cliche and elementary that I wanted to die. The lyrics seem to have been the results of an amateur songwriting contest. Please, just because it rhymes doesn't mean its good. Have a little more self respect when you write something that that many people will hear. And I just can't talk about the musical mud without crying. A clever sort of modern symphonic take on the rock power ballad as it was, it just reeks of a bunch of nobody musicians sitting in a room saying "okay, this song has to be totally epic, or we're all fired." So in pulling out the stops, they wrote a score that is so overdone with every musical cliche that it is overly apparent just how hard they tried to make an "epic song." Its garbage, total crap.

Anyway, back to the movie. I have not seen it yet, and have really tried to avoid any conversation pertaining to it. It is a perfect specimen of the shallow Hollywood garbage prevalent these days. However, after some meditation and breathing exercises, I have decided to go suffer through it, just so I can come back here and totally dissect every trashy minute of it. I am doing this for the reader, and hope that my weeks of rehab afterwards will go well. I'm gonna have to watch so many Kevin Spacey movies to make up for it. Perhaps I'll just...

[I lost my train of thought, because my cerebral stage has been hijacked by annoyingly catchy Adam Lambert lyrics - "baby its time for miracles" - ugh, as if trendy pop lyrics are a dictatorship forcing rational thought from my mind under the claim of eminent domain.]

Plot - Unintelligible

Alright, so the world is ending because the Mayans said so. Oh, and also because "neutrinos from a massive solar flare have penetrated the Earth." Apparently, neutrinos are bad. Who knew? Well, evidently, the government knew, and it was the main topic at the G8 summit next year. So, like all government agencies do, they start a secret program to secure the survival of the species. Their plan - build a bunch of arks in the Himalayas and charge 1 billion Euros for admission (unless you're part of the 400,000 'chosen ones' that get to ride for free).

So the single father (and part-time limo driver for Russian billionaire) who still loves his kids and wife that left him for a doctor (gag me), will do everything in his power blah blah blah you know the rest. He takes the kids camping in Yellowstone (emotional tear) where they meet the token conspiracy theorist that just so happens to have a secret map of where the arks are hidden in the Himalayas. When they get back to LA, it falls into the ocean. So knowing that the arks are in China, they fly to Las Vegas (who the hell knows why??) and meet up with said Russian billionaire who later betrays and deserts them in China. Its a good thing a Buddhist monk was there to help them sneak onto an ark through the hydraulics system.

At this point, too many things happen to keep track of. Lots of people meet a tragic death, and I'm sure there's lots of sound effects as the tsunami arrives to sweep everybody away. Will they board the ark in time and save humanity?!?!? Not if fate's large electrical power-drill has its way!

I won't ruin the ending…because the writers already did. So, you'll just have to go see it. Or don't. I'll post an update after I watch it, so you don't have to.

One final ridiculous note: Danny Glover is the President…HA!!